Obscurity is the new famous

I'm so glad I started a website, especially one that gets updated about as frequently as new episodes of the Sopranos are released. From the looks of things my thousands of performances have produced exactly two fans -- my best friend, and a woman who wonders why I give blow jobs for sandwiches (for the record, that premise is only partially based in reality). I clearly need to buckle down and consider accounting.

Lately people have been asking me exactly what it's like to "be a comic working in new york" and the very way they ask this question indicates that they have a much more grandiose sense of what I do than is really the case. If you have a comedian friend, and you'd like to know what his/her life is like, here are some useful, relevant questions to which they will have answers based on actual experience (rather than the baldfaced lies we use on people who ask "What's it like to be a comic working in New York?").

"What's it like to wait for hours to tell drunk people a joke you've told a thousand times only to have them stare at you like you are not only speaking in a language they don't understand, but a language that sounds vaguely terroristy?"

"How much do you enjoy working in an art form in which the final arbiters of what is worthy are bar owners? "

"How many minutes of bombing do you endure before resorting to dick jokes?"

"Exactly how do you feel about the fame, fortune, and unlimited poon enjoyed by Jeff Foxworthy, Sinbad, and Carrot Top?"