Monday, November 29, 2004

Thankstaking Day

Thanksgiving - the one day of the year when we take time out from our busy schedules to give thanks for all of the blessings we have in our lives -- celebrated in memory of the friendly first days of our country, when pilgrims and Indians, as we so quaintly referred to native Americans, sat down to a delicious meal right before we gave them smallpox-infected blankets and got them drunk enough to purchase Manhattan for an amount ironically close to the price of a good turkey dinner.

Thanksgiving is annoying for lots of reasons - you eat too much, endure hours and hours of really boring conversation, and you always get in trouble for having sex with your second cousin. It's not that I'm not thankful. It's just that, if I was to sit down and list all the things in my life for which I should be grateful, and then took the time to individually give thanks for each and every one of those things, I would end up needing far, far less than a day. A Thanksgiving hour would be fine. In fact, if you really think about it - hmmm. I've got both arms, I'm off the crack, and the creditors haven't found my new address - that's really like 1 minute.

The truth is, I don't really need a day to give thanks. I need a day to extract thanks from people who owe me. That's a holiday I'd like to see. One day a year when I can actually demand a thank you from all the inconsiderate losers in my life who have needed my help over the past year and have never bothered to buy me a beer for my trouble - call it Thankstaking day.

The ex-con comedian whose bail I paid; the friend who needed help paying for that engagement ring and then who didn't include me in the wedding; the ex-girlfriend who never, ever really got it that I was the nicest guy she's ever, or will ever, go out with - these are people who need a national holiday to generate sufficient social pressure to give public thanks to me, Jeff Glasse.

On Thankstaking day, you'd be able to show up at the house of every one for whom you have done a favor and demand thanks. That would be one hell of a holiday. riding all around the tri-state area. "How's it going , Lou--how'd that ointment work out for you?! Got anything to say to me?"

"Hey, Steve, long time no see. Remember when I pointed out that girl in a bar had an adam's apple? What? Oh, no problem. My pleasure."

I get far, far too few opportunities to appear magnanimous. Whoever is in charge of holidays (I think these days, it's Rumsfeld), time to step up.

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