Thursday, April 01, 2004

Man's Best Friend

I have a dog who really likes licking his own ass. I'm not quite sure why he enjoys it so much; maybe if I could reach myself I'd understand. But it's gotten to the point where other dogs are actually embarrassed to be around him. So I take him to the vet, who gives me a specially made balm to rub on it. The vet says it "tastes bad" and this will motivate the dog to stop licking his butt. I start thinking "Tastes bad? But the dog is already licking his own butt." So apparently science has created a balm that actually tastes worse than dog ass. I can the imagine the slogan: 4 out of 5 dogs prefer licking their own ass to licking our "butt balm."

There's a problem with applying balm to your dog's ass. You're worried on the one hand that you may not enjoy it. But you're even more worried that on the other hand - you may enjoy it.

So I'm, you know, doing the deed, and I'm not feeling to good about myself. It's not enough I have to pick up the dog's shit, I now have to actually apply a balm TO his ass. I buy his food, I pick up his shit, I'm applying a salve to his anal region -- How long before I'm buying him cigarettes and giving him hand jobs?

The applicator looks kind of like a tube of toothpaste, and I'm thinking this cannot be right. Couldn't they have made it look like a can of raid or a rectal thermometer or something? Because I do not want to accidentally brush my teeth with the doggy butt balm. And I cannot shake the feeling that my dog is secretly laughing at me "Go head," he seems to be saying, "Use that opposable thumb to apply that grease to my ass. And afterwards fetch me my chew toy. While you're at it, get me a hooker."

It doesn't help that throughout the procedure the dog is smoking a cigar and reading porn.

I should point out that none of this actually happened.

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